Families, you got one? You like 'em? Me, yes and for sure. I'm pretty vocal about my love of a fam jam so it's not a big surprise to hear that. I always love hearing about families' quirky bits, and I wonder if mine is unique in some ways or if they're universal and I just never knew it. For example, my family has a "thing" (well we have a bunch of things,) but one of our big things is the concept of the PC (perfect child) and the FC (favorite child). The PC is usually the eldest (though not always) and is marked by their responsible nature and their ability to follow rules at all costs. The PC is trusted and revered, but don't have a ton-of-fun reputation. The FC is marked by their ability to be extremely lovable and irresistible while pushing every button and breaking every rule. These guys have the ability to be entirely themselves, unburdened by the weight of others' expectations. If there's a third child in the mix, they're the baby and nobody messes with the baby or if there are more kids they get to be whatever. I have no experience with one-and-dones beyond my son so your guess is as good as mine. I guess he gets to be all or none, or he gets to just shine it out and carve his own path as we go along and that's a gift. The point is, there can only be one PC and FC per family and everyone knows who they are.
Guess which one I am. There's no chance you're getting this one wrong.
It's all in jest, of course. I mean I don't think anyone actually likes my sister better then me (well I mean sure a billion people do and why wouldn't they, she's awesome), not solely based on her role in the family, anyway. It's just that we've inhabited these selves for so long, I do wonder if at some point we molded our personalities around these designations rather the other way around. Because I am who I am and my brain is scabby from my inability to stop scratching at it at all times, I've been examining the way that this idea of perfection has messed with me. For a long, long time I really did want to be perfect. I took it on as my duty, I took pride in the way that people saw me and trusted me and depended on me, and even when it felt like a mighty weight and an impossible standard to maintain, I genuinely wanted to achieve it, and if I felt I was falling short, I faked it. The appearance of being 100% together was very important to me, and I don't need to spell out the ways that that is... not ideal for mental health. Being human is cool, and I've seen so much humanity embraced around me, I don't know why I thought I'd be outed as a failure if I owned up to mine. I would never have admitted it, even to myself for an lengthy spell, but I was borderline resentful of the FCs, jealous of their perceived freedom.
It's only very recently that it occurred to me that that's all it is - perceived. I can be as free as I want, I just chose to keep myself in that box. As I sidle up to the half-century mark, I'm hyper aware that time grows ever shorter and why on earth would I waste another second of it trying to chase and maintain the image of perfection? To be as good a person as possible, to stand up for what's right and take care of my loved ones, yes, but do it as an authentic person who messes up sometimes and admits that she messes up. There's no shame in it. That's obvious to so many people, but to those who identify as a PC, you might relate to the mindset that we don't have a choice. If we're not impeccable, who even are we? I am so relieved, so much happier, that not only do I understand that nobody expects me to be perfect or even cares if I am, but I actively don't even want to be. I just want to be me, whoever this weird stranger I'm getting to know is. It's not too late. Hallelujah, it's not too late.
All that said, I'll carry my hard-earned family PC badge to my grave. Peace, the happily imperfect perfect child.