Well here I am writing the first blog entry of 2023 and I'm feeling fragile, vulnerable and freaked out about everything. In other words, New Year/Classic me, pals! I didn't come here just to share that earthshaking non-news or even try to impart any bon mots. The purpose of blogging today is to engage one of my tools to combat spiraling and paralysis when I'm especially antsy and overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Writing it down, writing through it, is like a little mental bulldozer clearing the way for a shred of calm and the ability to function, it organizes my thoughts, which is soothing. Sure I could do this just as well in a private journal but why let a stupid paper book have all the fun?
You know I love the winter holidays and I generally get the blues when they're over, but this year I had the distinctly bleh experience of feeling the blues the whole time they were happening. It was absolutely wonderful to be with my family to celebrate, but in the midst of that I had this inner sadness and weird vibe I couldn't quite shake so putting it all behind me is a bit of a relief. This weekend I swept up the fake pine needles and shoved my twinkle lights in the cubby hole with whatever seasonal ache had a hold over me, hoping it'll mellow by the time the calendar tells me we're doing it again. Maybe it's a side-effect of peri-menopause, maybe I feel this way every year and the selective amnesia is all part of it? Either way, on to the next thing.
I tend to let my brain float around in goo in the month of December and that fuzzy state of being is generally a restful pleasure, but I'm ready to engage my thinky-meat once again. This year will bring a lot of significant change, professionally (more on that at a later date) so I have a lot of challenges to meet to get up to speed and I'm feeling much more up to the task than I was two weeks ago. On top of that, I have missed the feeling generated by going creatively bananas and I am committing to getting back to that. As much as I'd love to sit around reading Scandanavian procedurals in my sweats (I will be doing plenty of that, make no mistake, but there's a time and place), it's imperative to my soul to take some big swings, to keep kicking down the walls of my comfort zone. That's all very vague, but I know what I mean by it and you'll know if and when I'm making some headway there.
Bummer Fairy, out.
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