Saul Good and Co.

Winter Companions

Our trip to Maine was perfect. We got to spend enough time there that it actually felt like time spent, and not just a whirlwind. There was plenty of cuckoo banana stuffed-to-the-rafters togetherness, but also time to just talk and catch up. HR had a blast with his cousin and my cousins' kids. I got to see my sibs and their spouses and all but one of my cousins on that side, which is no small feat these days. The youngest of my generation was a little kid when I moved away, so it was another opportunity to actually get to know her and her husband. I even got to go out and see another hometown ex-pat friend who happened to be there, which was a lovely treat. My grandmother was thrilled to have us all there, and though we all drive each other crazy sometimes, that's just what families do. I'm profoundly grateful for everyone and the love we have for each other. It's over and I'm a little sad, but not as sad as usual so I'll take it.

 

I thought about writing a lot while I was there, because I'm searching for my next project, and my family and my hometown are two of my most evergreen subjects. I thought about resurrecting the essay I was writing about friendship based around my life with Niki, but I decided that it's still too soon, too raw, especially since I've recently learned of the illness of another of my girlhood group. I just can't right now. The plan is to go back to the trusty old morning pages exercise, since that's basically how I unwittingly germinated my book. Speaking of that old thing: I don't know if this is a no-no or not this early on the road to publishing (and actually if there's a rule about it I don't care since I'm such an obvious rebel), but now that I've given it a pass through my first trusted readers, if anyone else is interested in the zygote stage of the humble novel, lemme know and I'll send you a manuscript. 

 

Did you ever wonder why I end these blog missives with a pic of myself? The reason is that when I post my entries on the soc meds, those are the entries that get read. Never the ones with no pic, rarely the ones with pics that aren't portraits. I can't explain it. I don't think I'm that cute, homies. It's just something psychological and if duping people is what it takes to get people to read my writing, I'll change my name to Dupe Ellington, I don't even give a fuck.

Now that my methods have been revealed you'll never fall for it again, right? It was nice while it lasted.

 

 

 

But It Ain't Mine No More

I'm rolling out of a three-day weekend and into a four-day weekend. Can't hate on that. HR isn't exactly getting a proper February vacation, but as long as he gets to sleep in and spend the majority of days in pajamas, he isn't complaining. We're heading up to the place where I grew up to hang out with family for a few days, and I always look forward to going. I haven't lived there for over 25 years, I made my home here in Massachusetts with my own little family and that's the chosen home of my life, but that other place up north will always be home home, you know what I mean? Yes it has to do with my parents and grandmother being there, and in my same childhood house to boot, but something else I can't quite name will always make it "home" for me, even if and when the last of my loved ones have relocated one way or the other. I'm glad I don't live there anymore myself for eleven thousand reasons, but the pull of home remains powerful.  When I'm in my parents' house, that's where I automatically access my most nostalgic, indulgent self. I still get the sense I've had since adolescence that I wasn't meant to stay and that I belong elsewhere, but there's a certain comfort of the illusion that going back is an option, even if it's an option I can't ever see myself taking. I think that's what "home" is, when you get right down to it, a concept, a custom dream-build, something you can choose to buy into, or not, a fun-house mirror to shatter or to reshape your reflection to fit. It's never quite what you think it is, even when you think you're there. Not to get too overwhelmingly philosophical on a Wednesday afternoon, and like I said I'm excited to go, but it never fails to shock me that I'm still surprised when I'm reminded that I write and re-write and examine my complicated history with the place I call home and always will. It's no coincidence. It's business never to be finished. It is... it just is. 

I Hold the Lock and You Hold the Key

Happy Vals everyone! Mike and I have never been big observers outside of taking the occasion to write cards to each other, but it's been fun making a big deal out of it for our kid. Imagine being HR this morning, waking up to see the Valentine's fairy dropped a bag of M&Ms and a new stuffed animal, and knowing the school day ahead will include a party and a movie, then a sleepover with good buds tonight and a week of vacation to follow... if I didn't know how much smashing fun it can be to be an adult, I'd be super envious. As a parent, I'm always so excited for him to have these times in his life. 

 

Valentine's Day used to be a major thing with me and Niki, and I woke up to this gem in my "memories" feed today, which is one of the only compelling reasons for me to still be on Facebook. 

 

 

It's a twisty gut punch, but it still makes me smile. In other heart-shaped news, in addition to making room in my diet for a few sugary seasonal treats, I valentined myself earlier this week and did a long overdue scrub of my computer desktop. Everything now has a place in organized, out-of-sight folders and when I start it up first thing in the morning all I see is a pic of my two dudes laughing together and a clear, calming expanse of blue. My mind operates so much better from this standpoint. I'm also historically ruthless about my email inbox. That "unread message" bit doesn't stand a chance - I open, prioritize and organize and it helps me not to feel overwhelmed. It seems silly and pointless, but it's a hack that reduces mental clutter and makes a huge difference to me. I'll never go full Kondo, but my personal spin on Kondo-lite is essential to my overall well being. Like I was saying, being an adult is off the hook. 

 

I'm trying to avoid being in a writers' holding pattern while I gather feedback from the first draft of my book thang, but it's hard to know how or where to start with that dangling out there. I've been jotting down ideas for changes I know I already want to make, and I've even started a file for the sequel (I have da big dreams to make it a four-part series), but as for making a standing date to churn out work that made the first novel happen, I haven't been doing that, and I'm loath to be out of practice. After vacation week, I resolve to be working on some cohesive project for the sake of it, if for no other reason than to keep up the momentum. I'll still be faffing about on my blog, but I've discovered that I need something more to sustain my hungry word soul.

 

I've got so much to make my heart explode (in the good way) so I'll leave me to it.

So Fresh and So Cleansed

All right so for the past 21 days Mike and I have been doing a cleanse, per our friends' enthusiastic recommendation. The one we embarked on entailed a mostly vegan diet (some lean protein is added halfway through), no sugar, grains, caffeine, alcohol. Not even beans. Lots of supplements, though. Even if you eat well 80% of the time like we do, it's a lot to drop from your diet at once, but we said why not, and did it. It's over as of today, and I'm honestly not interested in going into it too much but I have a few comments.

Positives:

Mike and I did the cleanse together, which was helpful, probably even essential for solidarity purposes but I do believe it's good for couples to have the odd silly project in common. It definitely made us step up our game as a kitchen team, lest we eat raw veggies ad infinitum, so we ate some great plant-based meals we'll incorporate into our regular roster, can't hate that.

 

Yes, we both dropped a bunch of weight and it's exhilarating to experience that control that has otherwise eluded my middle aged body, but as much as I enjoy that result for vanity reasons, it opens a whole can of worms that I'll refer to later on.  

 

Our livers are probably grateful for the sustained rest, and it was interesting to me to learn about the way I think about food and drink, for example, how much of what I normally enjoy that's not on the cleanse is ritual and emotional association vs. physical dependence. I didn't even notice the lack of caffeine, my energy level was the same, and I didn't have any cravings at all, but I longed for the idea of things. It was a weird, self-induced depressive state.

 

Strenuous workouts are not recommended during the duration and though I missed breaking a good sweat, I had some nice walks listening to podcasts. It's lovely to give yourself permission to slow down, and I should do that more.

 

It felt good to see a challenge through without cheating, and it wasn't even too hard. I'll take a sense of accomplishment, however dubious.

 

Negatives:

It's one big negative versus a the list of positives, but I think ultimately this column is more important. Over the past three weeks, I purposely didn't want to see many people or talk about what we were doing if I could avoid it because it nobody cares about other people's diets, and my god, the cleanse took up too much energy and thought space. I found myself obsessing over food in a way I don't in normal-eating time, as in, what we were going to eat next and how much, not even out of hunger but out of being the kind of personality that takes restrictions and gets carried away with them. Thankfully I've never had an eating disorder, and I'm not making light of them at all when I say I can see the way they happen. To the contrary, I can see what a slippery slope it is, to get carried away with the high of seeing results week after week. As it is, I'm struggling a bit with the idea of going back to normal eating because I'm nervous that my progress willl be overturned and I hate that. I don't want to buy into the diet industry and the idea that being thin is an accomplishment and here I am doing this and I'm a big ball of conflict. It doesn't sit comfortably.

 

Verdict:

My takeaway is that cleanse culture is some privileged chicanery and I wouldn't do it again. First of all I don't believe that my body was polluted in the first place, and if my true (not unproblematic) goal is to lose weight, I could get the same results by periodically going vegan and cutting booze consumption, never mind the supplements and rules. That's just good for your body and the planet in general. Being on the cleanse, overall, made me boring and one-track-minded and set me one or two steps from a dangerous path. Going forward I want to keep the awareness and mindfulness associated with what I'm putting in my body and when and why, but not to the point of obsession.

 

This is my first proper cup of coffee in over three weeks and although, like I said before, I didn't miss the caffeine and while I had shockingly few specific things I wanted in place of what I was taking nourishment from, I was keenly aware of the absence of JOY. Black decaf

coffee is the antithesis of joy. This delicious cup is joy. Freedom of choice is joy. Life is short, I'm reminded on the daily just how heartbreakingly short it can be, and I can live a mostly healthy lifestyle and love myself without denying myself the joy. I think I have to have the experience of something so I can know for sure whether or not it's for me (not, like, murder, but things on this level) and my experience with a cleanse has been affirmed as a NO. There was no physical hardship, it was entirely mental, and the stuff it brought up is something that's been there, and something to keep working on. 

 

 

Re-Surfacing

Oh hey, everyone survive January? It is finally over, right? I've decided that the time is here for me to get back to my preferred medium of half-assery, which is this blog. I missed writing in it while on was on my self-imposed break, and even though I don't have anything to share just now that will make you say, "Oh thank god she's back!", the best way to start is to just start.

 

I have been writing in the interim, to the tune of finishing the first draft of my novel a couple of weeks ago. It's rough as fuck and I don't even know what the next step is going to be, but it's done and it feels really good to say it. I'm very attached to the wee universe I created in the book, which makes me think I'll go all out to make sure it turns into something. While writing it, I didn't have an intended audience in mind, though I think it skews into YA territory, but I'm aware that my friends and family will want to read it and I still put in a whole bunch of sex anyway. The book is fiction, but as with most works of fiction, some details are drawn from real life and I guess it'll be fun for people who know me to parse the story and see what's drawn from an autobiographical place and what's totally made up (spoiler: the central conceit of the book is super invented. I didn't have a scorching love affair my first year in college. There was no flame and no love, just me dorking about and rowing a boat for a year).

 

In the meantime, I'm in the market for a new project. I think this is the time to get back to creating an essay or two to submit for publication. I have a couple of goals for this here space as well, and they are pretty much 1) create more content and 2) maybe a long overdue makeover. That sort of thing is not my forte so it could be a fun challenge. 

 

In the part of my life that isn't just words, all is pretty chill. Holidays were chill. Work is chill. Home is chill. The world has no chill. It's the opposite of chill. In response to that I've increasingly pulled back the reins on all social media except Instagram, and I don't look at Twitter at all any more. Obsessively reading the news as it breaks or the speculation swirl before it breaks is no bueno for my brain-o. I still get the news eventually, and it's amazing how much calmer I am and how much more time I have to think and read books and watch soothing videos of people frosting cakes and, like, breakdancing. I recommend it.

 

Anyway, she back. Let's rise up and be good humans in 2020.