Because it's my late grandfather's birthday today, he's on my mind. Not just him and who he was to me, but how he was to everyone, how he brought out the best in the people who surrounded him because he was such a gem, who wouldn't want to make their best effort to reflect it? I don't think it was entirely conscious on our part, it was just some kind of bone-deep feeling. Though I do remember a lot of times when I wanted to give up on my studies, or I was on the verge of a questionable decision, I would always think, "Would this make Pup proud?" I lived to not disappoint him, though in truth I knew, my siblings and cousins knew, there was not really a way to disappoint him. He loved us unconditionally. But it was such an honorable love, it almost made me feel shame in advance for something I didn't even do. Just the thought of upsetting him was enough to make me not even test the waters. It's a degree of reverence I've never really felt for another person. And I know he was a human man. Not a saint. Not an angel. Just my Pup, and that's all he needed to be.
When Pup was dying, though it was a devastating time, it was also a privilege to be there to witness how all of his kindness came back to him without a second thought on anyone's part. I will never forget the around-the-clock presence, the way that everyone stepped up to make sure he made a peaceful transition in his own home, his dignity preserved as much as possible. It was the time in my life that I was rock-solid surest that when I chose Mike I made the right decision. He helped roll Pup over so he wouldn't get bedsores. He helped change his diapers so that none of the women in the family would have to do it, the idea of which would have killed Pup on its own. He was there and he didn't stop being there, without one word of complaint. And I know he'd do it again in heartbeat. I'd been with Mike forever already at that point, but that really cemented for me what he was made of. That's he's the kind of man with whom you want to have a child, and to be that child's model of personhood. Even when he starts losing his youthful good looks and flowing locks and I'm ready to trade him in, that's what stands out.
Stepping back to look at it, it's not an accident that I ended up with such a good guy, that all the kids paired off so well. When you grow up in such an environment it's unthinkable to settle for less. It's not the kind of cycle you ever want to end. I don't consider it a blessing that I have been rich in life's good ones, it's just another stroke of fortune for which I'm infinitely grateful. But if I took it for granted, it would be a gift wasted, a failure on my part. And even though he's not here any more, you know I wouldn't dream of failing my Pupa.
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