Plus ca change...

...plus c'est la meme chose (pardon my lack of appropriate accent marks, I am still technical dunce in that way). In sum, these old chestnuts: I am fully out of running commission once again and I am scrounging for writerly inspiration. Who doesn't love a broken record, baby? I'm going to slap a band-aid on the second ailment by addressing the first.

So here it is, I can't stop messing up my heel so I've decided I'm just going to quit running for life and deal with it. It's not a tragedy. It's only a matter of time before my knees go on strike anyway. I just miss it and the way it makes me feel about myself. Yoga is my absolute favorite favorite form of exercise, and it isn't going anywhere. But I'm craving something with a deeper calorie burn to balance it out. I mess around with free weights here and there, and when my heel is feeling OK again I can dip my toe into tabata intervals, I think I'm going to audition swimming next, too. And that should be enough. But what I have going on here is way more complicated than a simple exercise program. It's a mental game.

There are few pictures of me in a bathing suit. I think this is true of most people, we just tend to avoid the camera when we're uncovered. But I found this one of me, circa 2009, maybe 2008.

I remember this being the period when I was happiest with my body. Not because I was the skinniest ever, or because I thought I was perfect or anything. But you can see it in my face and the way I am not shying away, that I was comfortable. If that was the best it was going to get, I could live with it happily. And I attribute it to the control I had over my body, not in a restrictive way, just in the groove I was in. I ran 4-5 times a week and it made me sort of not care what I looked like. Does that make any sense? It fixed me, mentally.

I don't have any recent pictures for comparison, I'd post one if I did, but I know that I don't look that different. I've probably put on 10 pounds in the interim, my midsection has been changed by carrying a child, plus aging and and genetics and not being remotely interested in doing what it takes to have washboard abs. But it doesn't matter what any photo evidence would tell me because I know that even when I rationally understand that I don't actually look any different, even when I know my body isn't technically significantly changed, I see myself differently. It's the most powerful illusion.

I am sick of not having ease in my physical body. And I'm sick of actually caring so much about it. I've decided I am totally ok with the idea of never looking like 2009 again, I just want to get back to my 2009 head. I have to find a way to do that without running, find a new crutch on which to support my silly hang-ups. Writing a pep-talk to myself and passing it off as a blog entry is working for the moment, but I can only do that so many times.

 

Comments

[jbonjovi]

You've always been hot

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3uZGDri8Y70

[Dawn]

Perfect reference, per ushe. XO

[Megan]

I remember once watching a wedding dress show (don't judge) and the bride was this beautiful woman who was a firewoman I believe and she had been hurt on the job so she hadn't worked in months and hadn't worked out either. She put on dress after dress and none worked and she hated the way she looked - everyone else including me thought she was out of her head. NOW though I get it. When I don't exercise - any form - I feel out of sorts. I feel frumpy and don't hold my head up as high as when I am exercising. It's a mental thing I know. But I just wanted to say I totally get it. I'm also dealing with heel problems but thankfully they are almost gone (I give most credit to my orthotics which make me sound ancient but it's true). Now I just have to find cute sandals that won't hurt my feet or better yet fit my orthotics - oh how far I've fallen after turning 40! LOL

[Dawn]

Isn't it bananas? I'm glad your heel's better! Thanks, lady. XO