It's not the job itself's fault, or even the people in it who make me crazy on a daily basis (not coworkers - they are solid gold). I'm aware that most things only have as much power to make you feel any particular way as you give them. But I can't seem to stop myself from giving up the power. After all these years of being burned time after time, there's only so much I can shove down. And I can't shake it off anymore, this need to make some kind of change, because I don't want to be that crabby old bitch who can't muster up any sympathy for people having the worst day of their lives every day.
I've been at this job for sixteen years as of last month. That is a long-ass time. I still enjoy the work itself. And my aforementioned coworkers, who are friends as well as colleagues. We are run by a volunteer Board of Directors that is full of amazing people who go to bat for us at every turn. The benefits are outstanding, I have so much autonomy, I feel great about what we do. Basically it's a dream job. But I'm worn down from it. It's a luxury dilemma, a first-world problem. But it doesn't make it any less of a problem.
At this point, I'm not necessarily looking for a new job. I don't even know what else I could be doing with my specific skill set. Even though Mike the saint has put his full support behind whatever I want to do, including him going back to work full time and me staying home, I don't think quitting is the best thing. Not for me, and not for my family. I do love being the breadwinner, and what other place would be so flexible about my hours? So for the time being I need to focus on ways to control my response. A renewed commitment, every day. A mantra. I don't want to just go through the motions, I want to be engaged. I owe it to myself and the people we serve. It's just a matter of... how? How to harness that resolve and keep it? That's the challenge before me.
I don't mean to be so vague about what I do. If you don't know already, I'm easily google-able. Conversely, anyone I work with could easily find this space. That's why I don't care to go into specifics. As it is I'm putting myelf out there by writing candidly about my feelings, but nothing I wrote in here is anything I wouldn't discuss with my bosses. They've been here longer than me, they get it.
In the end, I know everyone can't be happy about everything 100% of the time. Not even me. But that's no excuse for complacency. I don't know what's going to happen, I just need to work it out in writing from time to time. I've got to do something until my career as a b-girl takes off.
(Pictured: not me. In my dreams, maybe).