I enjoy Dan Savage's Savage Love, though I don't always agree with his advice. One from today's column really got me thinking, though I fundamentally agree with most of what he's saying. I'll paste it below in its entirety:
My 14-year-old son just came out to me. He has a slightly older boyfriend, and they’re going to the school dance on Saturday night. I am adjusting to a truth I had long suspected. I am worried, though, that my son will get hurt. We live in the South-North Carolina—but our town has a gay community and an annual pride parade. When I asked him if the other students at school would be cool with him bringing a boy, he said, “Who cares?” Bullying is not a huge problem at his school.
We have had the sex talk several times, but I have always assumed a hetero approach. I think my son is too young for sleepovers with his boyfriend, and I would really like him to wait a couple more years before he gets seriously sexually active, though I expect petting and kissing are givens. Any advice?
Still My Son
Treat your son to some of that equal treatment we gay people are always going on about, SMS, and treat him just like you’d treat your 14-year-old straight kid. No responsible parent would allow his 14-year-old daughter—and that’s how you should think of him for now (more on that in a moment)—to have sleepovers with her slightly older boyfriend, right? So no sleepovers for your gay kid. Remember: You can be supportive and be his advocate without signing off on stuff you wouldn’t sign off on for a straight child—indeed, it’s the best way to show your support.
What else can you do? You can hover, scrutinize, interfere—all the crap that parents typically do when their children begin to date. For instance, SMS, this boy your son is seeing? Have you met him? Meet him. How much older is he? Find out. Are they messing around? Ask them. Make sure your son understands that he doesn’t have to engage in anal intercourse to be authentically gay, or all grown-up, or out. He can take things slow—he should take things slow. Encourage your son to date, to hold hands, to make out. And you should, as awkward as it’s going to feel to say so aloud, encourage your son, when he does become sexually active, to stick with mutual masturbation and oral sex for a good, long time—until he’s sure he’s ready for intercourse, not just anxious for it.
Getting back to the daughter business: You should also regard your son, at least through his adolescence, as more of a daughter to you than a son. We tend to be more protective of our daughters—our straight daughters—than we are of our sons. Why? A sexist desire to keep our daughters “pure”? That’s a part of it, sure, but there’s also this: Men are pigs, and people on the receiving end of male sexual desire/attention are in more danger than people on the receiving end of female sexual desire/attention. (In general—individual results may vary.) Testosterone is the crystal meth of hormones, a badass drug, and men are more likely to be abusive and violent. The prevalence of HIV among gay men makes the stakes higher for your son. So don’t allow him to date anyone you don’t get to meet and approve of, and don’t confuse “being supportive” with “letting him do whatever/whomever he wants.” Be active, be engaged, and never stop being his meddling, interfering, hypersuspicious dad.
Good luck, SMS. It sounds like your son lucked out having you as a parent.
First of all, how refreshing to hear of this type of parental concern, and about a school where the son feels no fear in coming out. There is so much with the reply that I agree with, and I think that Mr. Savage, a parent himself, is speaking as he would for his own child. But as always I have a big problem with the differentiation between the treatment of girls and boys. It's not that Savage's advice isn't sound, its just that, to me, all parents should treat their children like they would treat their girls. "Treat your son to some of that equal treatment we gay people are always going on about," he says, and then goes on to do something that's not quite that. He makes a point to acknowledge the sexism inherent in the raising of girls vs. boys, but makes no effort to resist it. "Testosterone is the crystal meth of hormones, a badass drug, and men are more likely to be abusive and violent." Even with the science to back it up, I don't think it should matter, or be taken as a matter of course. I urge him, and all parents, to go one better with this, teaching girls about respecting their partners and not cutting their boys any slack while also being protective of them, gay or straight. This should be taken for granted. That's all I'm saying.
Oh, and hooray for Maine, the state of my birth, which today approved gay marriage. That makes 5 states down, 45 to go. Of course there will be a fight, but I'm ever hopeful. There's no doubt in my mind I'll see it legalized throughout the country in my lifetime.
Written material copyright 2009 Dawn A. Emerman
